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Something I’ve learned. I’m a…

Having been considered a relatively confident person most of my life I’ve never really considered how I see myself in my own eyes.

Sounds odd but there was a point, (when I was winning medals as 1st place), that I thought… ‘I’m not that good’ despite the fact I kept on winning.

It wasn’t until I was able to see it happening again and again and hear the opinions of some people I respected that I started to believe I was consistently as good as my performances and trophy cabinet was suggesting.

Yet still… in the back of my mind daily I tell myself

‘You’re not that good, you could be better’. Still!

It’s not self destructive but it’s certainly one of the methods that keeps a burning desire in me to try and do everything I do to the best of my ability - I think anyway.

As I reflected on ‘DJ’s’ life and as I prepare to say goodbye to my Cousin today I reflect on the impact those people had on my life, mood and who I was around them.

Not just them but everyone in-fact.

My cousin was always happy ‘facially’. What I mean is perhaps he was unhappy inside (retrospect) but he always had what I can only describe as a happy face 😊 literally all of the time.

Instantly lifted my mood every time I saw him. He was almost laughing every time we arrived in each others company normally starting with a joke before even greeting each other.

I used the word reflector to describe something I’ve learned about myself which became a thing post covid.

Spending every day training people and teaching people on a screen changed so many of my habits, the way I greet people, the way I begin conversations, my body language… so many things. I actually now find my first interactions with people odd. For two years my interactions were to click a button and then mostly likely state… ‘you’re on mute’😂

Interacting with humans in this way I probably learned some skills which ain’t so useful in-person.

I learned how to show a body language and attitude that indicated I was ready to listen to literally anything they had to say because… well that was all that most people needed at that time. Part of that on screen means sitting back and saying very little… fast forward and 2 years later we’re opening the studio and for the first time in years… I’m nervous 😳yes me! I didn’t know what to do, how do I greet people, what do I say, how do I communicate, mask on mask off?

During covid I had to be ready for people to come on screen crying, in the middle of an argument with their partner or on a call to a hospital or the local authority, angry, disgruntled, or sometimes having discovered they had just lost a family member to the virus. 😞

I continued the way I’d been programmed for 2 years and here’s what I learned about my post covid self…

Listening and supporting people through a screen for the best part of 2 years meant that I had to create an almost digital empathy persona that allowed people to dictate to me how the call or session went…

Step in person and all of a sudden the way I would greet people now meant I do the same…

If someone walks by me and doesn’t make eye contact…

I avoid eye contact.

If someone walks toward me and doesn’t say anything…

I won’t say a word.

If someone holds out a hand to shake, fist pump

I’ll do exactly the same.

If someone leaps to greet me with a hug I’ll do the same unless they’re ill then I’ll kick away them instead 😂

If someone approaches me in a state of depression I find it almost impossible to be in any other state than one that matches theirs.

I’ve become an energy reflector. Here’s where it’s bad…

The company you keep, industry you work in, what you spend most of your time doing is likely to impact you massively especially if you’re someone who’s mood is easily shifted by the circumstances and surroundings.

I have found myself feeling down, miserable or having the life sucked out of me because I’d bumped into someone who had the life sucked out of them.

I wasn’t built that way and pre covid never really was that person I dictated my own moods and feelings and mostly was able to do that in a positive way. I think one of the qualities people enjoyed about my presence in their life…I think anyway.

I’ve got to get back to that. It’s a work in progress… constantly.

It requires me, to workout, sometimes take a break, regularly evolve or create something and to dictate the first interactions I have in places where people need me to be BENJI and not the covid on screen guy.

Take a note of who and what you are around certain types of individuals, are you being yourself or are they dictating how you behave, when they are dictating how you behave is it for the better or to the detriment of you overall, sometimes people can help us come out of our shell or tell us to keep our mouth shut and both are equally valuable for us😂 but it’s about recognising what the best version of you looks like so you can give that to yourself and the world around you as often as possible. You might have to ask some others closest to you what they think this version looks like too to get a rounded perspective but believe me….

People you don’t even realise need that from you!

I often think if I died tomorrow how would people reflect on me… (not those that stopped training with me and then got upset at me because they got less fit🙃😂) but those I interact with most and care about, what would be their reflections.

Be the energy you want to receive and fake it until it becomes who you are.

Want to be fitter… fake it until you make it.

Want to control your eating better… fake it until you make it.

Want to do more workouts… fake it until you make it.

Be unapologetically the best version of you, strive for greatness and share it wherever it’s welcome 💎💫

Have a great Wednesday


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